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PILOTS ARE CHEAP! (first person story by some unnamed pilot)
When my company hired me, one of the first things I noticed about
many of my fellow pilots was that they were cheap bastards. I
consider this to be a compliment to my fellow aviators.
Hotels offer a plethora of freebies that end up in the homes of
pilots. There are soaps, shampoos, lotions, sewing kits, amenity
kits, and other things of strategic value. On the nightstands in
hotel rooms, there usually is a pad of stationary and a cheap pen.
The stationary pads are commonly found in the cockpits, on the
built in clipboards, but the pens are too valuable to leave
behind. If there are free newspapers at the front desk, we are
certain to take one. At some of the better hotels you can find a
newspaper and a Wall Street Journal at the same time, major score.
There is the story of the pilot who finally sends his first child
off to college. The young adult returns for the holidays and
proceeds to tell the parents everything they have learned. The
parents are told many things, but their child was most impressed by
learning that most bars of soap are actually very big and shampoo
comes in bottles that are bigger than their thumb. Being raised on
hotel toiletries brought home by the student's father, the young
person was ignorant to this important part of life, only because
the father, a pilot, was a cheap bastard.
Discounts and deals abound in the pilot world. Almost every
airport eatery and hotel restaurant offers a percentage off of
whatever we purchase to eat. There are coupons for free drinks or
buffets. I have seen 50% off in some places, which none of us can
pass up. I was at a coffee shop in a layover hotel recently,
getting ready to head to the airport. The young woman working the
counter got me my coffee and handed me two big chocolate chip
cookies for free. Of course I shyly refused, but she insisted that
I take the cookies. "You never know when you might get hungry",
She said. I was trying to smile and not drool at the same time.
This treatment is not unusual. I was walking through the
Cincinnati airport once, when a worker at the Mrs. Fields Cookies
counter waved me over. "You can have all the left over cookies for
five dollars", the counter person said. I walked away with three
bags of cookies and boasted about my good deal for weeks after. I
had realized that the cookies kiosk was closing and instead of
throwing the cookies away, they would offer them all at a price no
pilot could refuse. I scored those bags of cookies several times
but got so sick of them, that I eventually refused the good deal.
The same thing happened in Buffalo New York one night. We were
doing a turn around, so we were there for about an hour. I ran
down to the cafeteria and ordered some wings. The man working the
counter asked if I wanted extra wings. I said, "Sure, sounds
good". He brought out three large to go boxes of wings, mild,
medium, and hot. We stuffed ourselves. When ordering a meal where
the food is scooped up in a predetermined amount, the generous
workers dishing out the food usually add a partial scoop more,
smiling at us while they do it. I have never seen a pilot tell them
to take it back.
There is a good chain of communication amongst pilots, allowing us
to share the free things or good deals in our layover cities. A
fellow pilot told me about free coffee at the hotel coffee shop in
Boston . He said, "You have to be in uniform to get the free
coffee". I mentioned this to my copilot the evening we arrived at
that hotel. The next morning I was in the lobby of the hotel
studying the subway map. We had the entire day off and I was
interested in visiting a museum. I was surprised to see the
copilot walk by in his uniform, seven hours before we were to be
picked up. He marched over to the coffee shop and picked up a free
cup of coffee, saving himself about $2.50. "You make me proud", I
said. He smiled, held up the free cup of Joe in a salute, and then
proceeded to pick up a newspaper someone left on a chair. He went
back to his room, drank free coffee and read a free paper. It
doesn't get much better than that.
I worked the Hawaiian operation for several years. Our layover
hotel was at a gargantuan hotel complex with three, forty story
towers. Through the grapevine, I had found out that the rooftop of
every tower had a hot tub on it with an ice chest of soda next to
it. Access to the rooftop was limited to the expensive business
rooms on the upper floors. This was by no means a deterrent to us
pilots. I discovered that if I took the elevator as high as I
could go without using a room key, I could then take the stairwell
up the remaining floors, to the rooftop. I was not interested in
the hot tub, but drinking a free soda and taking in the incredible
view from forty stories up, was great. I spent many hours up there
over those years and never saw another person on that roof. On my
way down one day I decided to take the elevator from the highest
floor. As I walked towards the elevator I saw a door open to what
looked like a lounge. I walked into the room and realized this was
a suite converted into the business club lounge.
The suite was gorgeous, fronting the ocean, filled with food,
drinks, newspapers, and a self-serve bar. The best part of this
situation was realizing that there were no hotel employees in the
room. I was alone with platters of food, free drinks, and 24 hours
off. I settled in like I owned the joint. I left two hours later,
only when another hotel guest entered the room. I went back many
times, but one day, when I walked in, I saw a woman sitting behind
a desk. "Good afternoon sir, can I assist you?" she said. I
wanted to say, "Yeah, can you just go away from this good deal I
have?" I remained calm and said, "I am trying to find my boss, and
I was told to meet him here." "Oh, no problem, what is his name, I
can look him up and contact him." she said. I was digging myself
into a hole. I politely refused her help and left quickly. I
could tell she was eyeing me suspiciously. When I got to the
elevators, I turned around to smile at her. Next to every elevator
was a big bowl of tropical fruit and a stack of newspapers. In an
act of defiance, I picked up a papaya, a mango, and a Wall Street
Journal while smiling. The elevator arrived quickly and I left. I
called the front desk and asked when the business lounge was
staffed. I was told that at 4:30 every afternoon, the business
lounge was staffed. I had my answer. From then on I made sure I
never spent time in that room after 3:00.
I spread the word about the rooftop and lounge to my fellow
pilots. One of my fellow pilots brought his wife with him on a
trip to Honolulu . He convinced the wife to go to the rooftop with
him and sit in the hot tub. It was a beautiful night and they
ended up having sex, then more sex, then running around the rooftop
naked. Just as they were getting back to putting their clothes on,
a security team came out onto the roof. Both parties were
surprised as hell to see each other. The pilot apologized to the
security team as he was putting his clothes on, grabbed a couple of
free sodas and left with his humiliated and unhappy wife.
There was a time when most airlines served good food, especially in
first class. I am allowed to sit in first class when I travel off
duty. The pass system at my company allows me to travel unlimited
times a year. Some years ago a pilot told me that over the weekend
he took his wife and children on a flight that was a round trip
flight to another city. He flew out on the first leg enjoying a
nice lunch and free drinks in first class. They were on the ground
for an hour before the same aircraft with the pilot and his family
still on it, returned to its point of origin. He and his family
enjoyed a first class dinner on the way back, the children enjoying
a few ice cream sundaes. That was how they spent their day and
evening, enjoying free food, drinks, desserts, and movies. The
monthly food bills were less than normal because the pilot was
uncanny in his ability to be a cheap bastard.
Not that long ago I was riding to a hotel for a layover. Across
the street from my hotel I saw a sign on the marquis of another
hotel advertising free wireless Internet. My monthly schedule
requests were due the next day and I needed Internet access to send
my requests in. Instead of paying for the service in my hotel, I
walked across the street that next morning to use the free Internet
at the other hotel. I walked past the lobby and sat in a public
area near a fireplace that had couches and coffee tables. As I was
booting up my computer I saw a large urn of coffee across the
room. "What the heck" I thought, it's just a cup of coffee. I got
up and fixed myself a large cup of coffee, just the way I like it.
I was working on my computer with a solid Internet connection,
drinking my coffee, when a hotel employee approached me. "Sir, the
breakfast buffet is now open, would you like me to show you what we
have this morning?" she said. Without the slightest hesitation, I
said, "Why that would be great, thank you." I proceeded to make
myself a waffle, gather a plate of eggs and bacon, a glass of
juice, and a container of strawberry banana yogurt. I was still
there three hours later when they closed down the breakfast area.
I was asked if I would like anything else, so I asked if I could
take a snack to go. I have shared this nugget with many of the
pilots I fly with and they too have enjoyed a scrumptious morning
buffet, across the street.
This story could go on and on as there are endless examples of
pilots being cheap bastards, but there is one last example I would
like to share with you.
About 16 years ago, I was an engineer on the Boeing 727. The
captain brought a bag onboard at the beginning of our trip. He
handed me the paper bag and told me to put it in a safe place.
When we got to our destination that night, he asked me for the
bag. During our four-day trip, each day would start out the same,
he would hand me the bag, I would put it out of harms way, and he
would ask for it at the end of the day. On the last day he handed
as he handed me the bag, I heard the clinking of glass. "Be
careful with that," he said. I asked him what was in the bag. He
told me there were about ten light bulbs in the bag. I asked him
why he carried all of these light bulbs around. He said to me, "I
take the burned out light bulbs from home and exchange them with
the working light bulbs in our hotel rooms." I was at a loss for
words, but I remember thinking that this guy is one seriously cheap
bastard.
OK Here's a true story I've told some of you but not all. I flew
with a guy that turned in his dirty uniform shirts, this was before
9/11, to a charity. He would come back a few days later when they
were hanging on a rack & buy them back for .50-.75 cents. He said
it was cheaper than sending them to the laundry & he'd get credit
for a Tax deduction for his charitable donation.
If that's not a cheap bastard...I don't know what is.
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Lockheed Orion
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